Reverse cha cha poker

Ok. Just savoured the bitter taste of humble pie. Lost my Friday winnings + one & half buy-ins. I played poorly on two hands but in general my play was ok. I busted on some nasty hands: my nut flush got knocked in the teeth by a straight flush... top pair + kicker (AK) got kicked in the groin by trip 10s. The list goes on.

Lessons learned? Fate and luck often has a greater say than skill. Humble pie is best served in small portions. Otherwise one could really get stomach ache eating it.

Friday night

I'm sitting here in the dark on the balcony of my apartment, a dram of liquid gold on my left and a half smoked stick of etheral gold on my right. Master of the universe and ruler of none. A young turk ended in his conquest: in this case the poker tables of StarCity.

It was a successful night. Mind clear and the right balance of luck and guile. Tripled my initial buy-in without any setbacks in a two hour sit down. Cashed out near the top without regret. I was tempted on leaving to set the whole chip stack on Red as I was leaving but thought what's the point - money's just way one keeps count and the feeling of winning is priceless. Why counterfeit it?

Money's just the way one keeps count. The arrogance and truth of that statement come in equal measures. It's true as long as one doesn't care and as long as it has no value other than the material (and meaningless) things it buys. But I do have a purpose for it just that there isn't enough zeros there yet to make it meaningful. And the end game buying some phallic trophies. I can't stand the wannabes - the bald aging men in their red Ferraris coverting youth and despoiling beauty, the young 'bai jia zi' - prodigal sons - rightfully losing the rightful spoils of their inheritance, etc, etc and so forth. No I think money = the right to vote on one's vision for others and for the world. And I'm keen to bring forth my solution to a better world.

Master of the Universe. It's pretty lonely even as a adept. And perhaps the path will become even more barren the further one climbs. It probably has nothing to do with the climb but more with me and the evolution of me though in the two are inter-related.

These cigarettes are making me sick. I should stop. This and that. Too dangerous. Full stop.

Walking home

Walking home this evening along a dark tree lined street, I suddenly turned the corner into a bright yet mellowing dusk. The sky was shades of blue tinged with gold and blushes of red.

It was equal in beauty to sunrise and my heart lifted in wonder. Nature reflected Life and Life reflected in Nature. Sunrise, the beginning - a time for hope and wonder. Sunset, the final moments before night - a time for serenity and reflection at the moments passed. A grandmother walked by with a young child in hand. I nodded and smiled and she smiled in return.

If one was to make any wish for someone dear, I think it would be that their sunset be filled with contentment, warmth and family.

Thought shadows

When thoughts are put to paper it is making common something that is unique and often indescribable like: ambrosia on the lips, the weight of love, the hurt of betrayal, the bitterness of regret, the peace of contentment. Words just form the lines of the colouring book that our mind fills in...

But then again, if we don't give form to our thoughts won't they just fade into purgatory? That seems a little sad. Even as a shadow, is it not a better existence than that fate?

Past writings

There's a lot of good stuff in some of my later journal writings. Too bad I can't be bothered transcribing here. What's the point? I write only to myself or anonymously and this medium is just as transient as paper and inferior to the memory of the thought.

Anyhow each piece of writing is a child of mine. I don't want to clone the poor bastards.

An opportunity

To gain, one must sacrifice; to move forward, one must take risks.

Life threw me an opportunity today. I grabbed it. I just hope that I have the ability and dedication to mould it into something truly precious. I have something to prove here; to myself and to others.

God's Will

I've always had a problem with those new age youth groups where everyone seems so happy, holy and full of passion. How can one be human and be so one dimensional? Where is the questions, the doubt and the conflicts that makes one's belief have depth and one's soul have grace?


I've since given this much thought and I've come to see many of the issues that have bothered me. The one that stands out is my firm belief that contractions lie at the heart of all things. What is white without black? What is rich without poor? And how can one understand or be good without the presence and the understanding of evil?


Therefore it is for this reason that I perceive the joyfulness, virtuous, onemindedness of those electric guitar playing, heads rolling, hands waving 'new age' youth Christians as repulsive, sanctimonious and shallow. I feel they use religion as a drug - they are addicted to feeling holy, they are addicted to painting the world in black and white and seeing people as either the chosen or the damned.


Give me instead the flawed vessels humble in their sin. Give me the tears and grasping of people seeking salvation in their own personal, desperate ways. The world and its people are grey and although God made us in His image, he coccooned His essence in a mortal mind and body. Therefore we have the vital spark but it shines out of a shuttered globe into the thick fog of this world, an infant world lost with only a memory of the sun.


I am a child of sin seeking to understand his Father, seeking to do His Plan with my mortal hands.